“I think I’m supposed to take care of myself and leave everybody behind.”

This was a whisper within the absence of my mind. What seemed like a mantra, I accepted it when immediately realizing that this is my karma and there is a pattern that’s occurring continuously throughout my life cycle. And this could maybe just be the voice in my head, or the intuition beyond me, but it was an echo. Just as powerful as a scream in darkness, it came in the evening of march 10th, as the sun was setting a glare on my face, I believe something was trying to contact me. 

There’s also a word that’s been floating around since the beginning of this year, what I thought to have been just one incident of my life transformed into two, now three, but when I reevaluate all of the instances there are many more upon me. Because all of the people in my life used this against me, the feeling of abandonment and the fear, in which I’ve struggled to heal that part just so I don’t display it in my future, and it appears in the eyes of everyone around me when I decided to become proactive for the betterment of myself, and I can see it now, this does look like abandonment. 

My spirit ejected itself out of my body when you said, “It felt like you abandoned me” —as if you prefer I stay in the ruins to suffer a little more than you did. You prefer to have me abandon myself. 

When are you ever going to learn that this world existed billions of years before you? These words you use are powerful. They all have power to destroy and replenish. This isn’t even the beginning of your life and you’re so sure of what abandonment truly is. Ask yourself again, if this is what you recognize within me. Ask if you’re sure you received all of the keys to the doors within this world. Because I’ve been stripped from all of my resources, I received a key for the door to self-motivation. I’ve ignored my deed for far too long but all of my resources didn’t escape all at once. Partially, within a few years, the things I’ve built or tried to assemble, my unconditioned generosity seemed to not be enough to earn the trust I thought I deserved. This is the law of cause and effect: I’m supposed to confront myself; Inquire critical questions; Respond with radical honest, and it’s not required to be pretty. 

The voice in my head says, “You’ve abandoned yourself. How dare you continue to betray yourself in order to obey the normalities of life. This is not what you wanted. And this is not the way you’re going to get it.” 

In the end, this is an act of courage. It requires letting go of guilt, expectations, and sometimes even people you once held close. But through that difficult process, you gain something invaluable: the freedom to live a life that is truly your own.